How can I stop being attracted to abusive men

How can I stop being attracted to abusive men?

Why am I attracted to mean and cold men? I’m the type that hates to express their feelings for me, and sometimes if they do, it’s only from a male perspective. I’ve recently started to realize that it’s wrong and that I need to correct it, but I’m not entirely convinced that it’s wrong to be attracted to people like that.

My darling,

Congratulations on finding the pattern that defines your attachment style. One of the most dangerous things we are exposed to in emotional relationships is that we have a fixed pattern that repeats itself in every relationship , without understanding or paying attention to this pattern. If we’re lucky, this pattern can be a wonderful thing that draws us to appropriate and decent people, but unfortunately it also draws us into the same abusive relationships, making the same mistakes and entering a cycle of abuse that doesn’t change even if the people change. change. I congratulate you on discovering the pattern that attracts you and now you can understand it, understand yourself and try to overcome the dangers that come with it.

In her book, When Women Love Too Much , author Robyn Norwood talks about women who are constantly victimized by abusive, cold men who do not show affection and mistreat and treat them with contempt. Norwood says our emotional relationships are shaped by how we were with our childhood parents or guardians. Children who grew up in an environment that did not allow them to express their feelings will often be attracted to romantic partners who will not allow them to express their feelings. Women who seek abusive men who ignore them were often ignored as children and pressured to mature early. 

But why do we do this? Why don’t we compensate by being in better relationships where we are heard, seen, appreciated and loved? Because the human psyche tends to seek familiarity, even when it comes to suffering. When we choose our life partners, we choose those who are similar to the environment in which we grew up, even with the harshness and deprivation. We reproduce the cycle of pain we’ve experienced before because it’s familiar and we understand it, so we already know how to deal with it. We are motivated by the hope that we will succeed in changing our partner, that we will make him love and appreciate us. We hope to heal an old childhood wound. 

Is that your case too? No one can tell you exactly, except a psychiatrist/psychologist who knows you. Now that you have realized what type of men you are attracted to, perhaps Norwood’s book will give you an idea that will make you investigate your past, to think about the real reason for this attraction. Were you treated similarly as a child and that kind of character makes you intimate with that person? Does he look like someone you loved and took care of you when you were little? Do you need to chase after a guy who gives you crumbs of attention and ignore friendly guys because they’re boring? All of these will reveal the way you think and the pain that caused this pattern. And if you need more help, you can talk to a psychologist who helps you understand yourself better.

Is it wrong to be attracted to these types of people? Not necessarily, sexual and emotional preferences vary from person to person, and the Bad Boy style may be an element of attraction for you, but it is necessary to distinguish between a man who sometimes behaves in intimate circumstances like a Bad Boy, but who basically respects and appreciates you, and a real Bad Boy who is abusive and evil under all circumstances. That’s because you deserve better than that and you deserve to be with someone who gives you attention and affection as you give them, and most importantly, who doesn’t suffocate you and shares your same values ​​and principles.

You are intelligent and aware of yourself, and this is a real blessing that many women achieve after many sad experiences, so I encourage you to think and understand yourself more, go to a psychologist if you need, but never accept less than you deserve.

Only love and freedom,

Broken Heart

How can I stop being attracted to abusive menWhy do some people not understand mental disorders and drive you crazy? Sometimes I feel like I’m really delusional, that I’m using my psychological problems as an excuse and that I’m crazy and they’re right, that I have nothing to prove otherwise.

My darling,

At the end of 2022, the Merriam-Webster dictionary announced the word that was most searched for in the last year: Gaslighting , a name given to the distortion of perception and psychological manipulation. It was introduced by the English writer Patrick Hamilton in a novel in which a man manipulates his wife’s mind and memory to convince her she is insane so he can steal her property. The term remained in circulation on a limited scale until 2010, after which it spread into the vernacular, perhaps due to the greater awareness of mental health in the last decade and the way we share our feelings on the internet, which made us we monitor exposure to this practice more clearly than past generations.

Unfortunately, cognitive distortion and psychological manipulation are very common. But this can also help us understand it better. In the case of perceptual distortion, someone or several people manipulate you to convince you of something that did not actually happen or vice versa, to believe another interpretation of an event that you experienced. For example, when you apologize to a person that you couldn’t go to the cinema with them because you had work, and they later tell you that you were avoiding confronting them or that your tone suggested that. Or someone convinces you that you don’t understand his words, that you were wrong and hurt his feelings, and that he didn’t mean to say what hurt you in the first place, and in the end he turns the situation around so that you believe the abusive person and not the victim.

Also, mental disorders are not a welcome thing in our life, we hate them. A society like ours is dominated by many misleading ideas that see mental disorders as madness and accuse you of not actually suffering from depression. Like you’re actually just “sad” or over-sensitive about things and thus making you feel bad for who you are and that you’ve wronged others.

All this is nonsense

The only deciding factor is your feelings and all the proof you need. As long as something bothers you, keep it in mind, never mind people’s explanation and excuses. You’re angry and they need to respect your boundaries. Set firm boundaries with people, defend your feelings, sacrifice what upset you, never back down or be ashamed of how you feel, because our feelings are the first compass in determining what happens to us. Your feelings are honest, follow them and fight for yourself.

And because mental disorders are not something you can easily resist, you will also benefit from them. If you go to a psychologist and/or a psychiatrist, you will find out what is behind it, you will understand your problems, how to deal with them and, most importantly, how to stop letting others hurt you and accuse you of being crazy. Mental disorders are not illusions, and you have to support yourself to stop hurting yourself.

My best friend wanted me to have sex with him but I turned him down and left. He doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. It’s normal?

Of course it’s normal. A thousand congratulations and kudos to him for getting you out of that distorted relationship.

We cannot deny the existence of friendship between the sexes. Each of us has at least one friend of the opposite sex. But despite the boundaries and rules of friendship, some men treat their girlfriends as if they were a possible “opportunity” for sex , just like your friend did. And here, I must add, he was no friend at all. Maybe you considered him a friend, but he didn’t see you as a friend.

Casual sex has become more prevalent in our generation than it used to be, including friendships with benefits. And some men even insist that they just tried, and that you can refuse and say no. But do they really treat you civilly when you refuse them? Often the answer is no.

Their reactions are often violent, full of nerves, sarcasm and mockery. At best, the man treats your refusal with cold, punitive silence and disappears from your life. Unfortunately, many women fall victim to this kind of behavior. They regret ending this “imaginary” friendship and try to get things back to the way they were before, which means bringing that abusive men back into their lives who could manipulate and blackmail them into accepting what they previously refused. And who knows what else he might do if he has the opportunity to force something on them. 

Is your friend no longer in your life? A thousand congratulations, you escaped like the eye of a needle. A man who mixes friendship with sex and cannot accept rejection is an immature, irresponsible person who does not deserve trust or respect and you need to get rid of him, stop any kind of communication with him to avoid further problems in the future. This person was not a true friend, no gentleman who respects your right to say no and punishes you by withdrawing from your life. Surprise… your life is better now, enjoy it.

I wish you more good friendships in the future, and more awareness and strength to always say “no” easily and willingly, and never submit to anyone to do something you don’t want, no matter how close that person is to you.